At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You are the jesus of drinking
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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