So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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