dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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