Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
