I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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