2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
