ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize