cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize