my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
