I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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