Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
