I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
