nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
