Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
