even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
