the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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