I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
