he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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