Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
