i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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