So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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