I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We need to rekindle our bromance
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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