Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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