Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
