so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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