so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
