cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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