i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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