If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
