so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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