If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
