Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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