My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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