...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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