Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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