Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
