there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
