I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
