New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize