I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's blow job season.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
