Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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