why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
