put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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