You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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