hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
