You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
