Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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