I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
