Can i not drive my cunt home
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All I want is dick and wine.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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