Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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