Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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