Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
