Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
