If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
