I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize