Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
