You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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