do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
