i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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