Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
