i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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