I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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